Demi Gets Her Woman 4

Summer 2000. There is a new hero in Pleasantview this morning, and her name is Demi Love. Early this morning, Love, a Patrol Officer with the Pleasantview Police Department, apprehended Jessica Ebadi at the home of Dina and Nina Caliente. Ebadi was allegedly attempting to steal a fitness machine from the Calientes’ living room.

Both Caliente sisters were at home when the attempted robbery occurred. Ebadi was not armed and did not engage in contact with the residents. “I don’t know what she was thinking,” Nina Caliente says, “Why on Earth did she think she could lift the exercise machine? Doesn’t she know how heavy that thing is? We have a computer sitting less than a ten feet away.”

Ebadi will face a charge of third-degree robbery which carries a maximum sentence of seven years in prison. Ebadi’s sentence, if convicted, could be more severe if evidence is found that links her to other recent robberies in the Pleasantview area.

While everyone is cheering Love on for the arrest, she is careful not to toot her own horn. Love says, “I credit my success to the alarm system the Caliente sisters had installed. Ebadi barely had a foot in the door, and I was already on my way.”

Dina Caliente agrees, “That alarm system saved the day. It’s already paid for itself. It cost us $250, and the insurance company is giving us $1000 for property damages. That’s a 400% return on investment! Do you think they could let Jessica go so that she can try to steal something else? We could make a killing!”

Editor’s Note: The publisher of this newspaper does not condone insurance fraud in any form.

Don Ditches Cass Reply

Summer 2000 — An eagle eye reported that the Uberhood’s leading therapist rushed over to the Goth mansion late one evening following the disaster that was the Goth-Lothario wedding party. The wedding started out as an ordinary backyard ceremony,  and it was thought that the biggest news would be about the guest list. We were pleased to see the Mother of the Bride, the enigmatic Bella Goth in attendance. How touching that Bella didn’t let the fact that she is still estranged from her husband (or the fact that the groom-t0-be was implicated in her disappearance) stop her from being there on her daughter’s big day. Mortimer’s current paramour, Dina Caliente, must have been tipped off that the Lady Goth was attending because Miss Caliente was notably absent. Unfortunately, Bella’s effort to put in an appearance was to no avail. Guests confirmed that the would-be groom, Dr. Don Lothario, was noticeably distressed. He interrupted Cassandra right in the middle of her vows, and said “I don’t” before she could say “I do.” Awww, poor Cass. We know you’re hurting now, but you dodged a bullet, girl. A big one. And speaking of bullets… Don must have some brass ones to jilt a woman with a cemetery in her backyard.

Dear Anna (October 2000) 12

Dear Anna,

My son’s girlfriend is a sweet, polite young lady. She helps him with his homework.

She appreciates his small tokens of affection.

And I can tell my son is really happy with her.

She seems perfect, but there is one thing that bothers me.

Whenever she comes over, she finds something in my house to clean. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like she doesn’t approve of how I keep my house. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to alienate my son. What should I do?

“Married to a Bachelor”
Sunset Valley

Dear “Married”,

If having your son’s girlfriend clean your house bothers you that much, there’s only one thing to do…SEND HER TO MY HOUSE!

I don’t think she means you any ill will. In fact, she seems to be enamored of your son and wants to impress you with her domestic skills. It also sounds like she spends a lot of time at your house, so you should be flattered that your son and his girlfriend enjoy hanging out with the “old folks.” Unless you think she may have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, I say let her clean to her heart’s content. Put your feet up, go shopping, get a massage, and enjoy yourself! Save your worrying for real problems.

Best Wishes, Anna

Dear Anna (September 2000) Reply

Dear Anna,

I recently asked my 34-year-old son to move out, and I feel horrible. He and my husband (his dad) were constantly fighting, and I needed some peace. Did I do the right thing?

Bessie Clavell
Sunset Valley

Dear Bessie,

The right thing would have been to push that baby bird out of the nest ten years ago. At 34, your son should be more than capable of taking care of himself. To continue to allow him to mooch off you and your husband would do him and yourselves a disservice. Sonny boy needs to get a j-o-b ASAP if he doesn’t have one already, and he better learn how to do the laundry and cook mac and cheese. It is perfectly reasonable for you to have him over once a week for Sunday dinner, but other than that it’s time for him to sink or swim.

Best Wishes, Anna

Do you have a question for Anna? Email her at

The Andrews Give Back Reply

September 2000 – Ten years ago Beau and Victoria Andrews were on top of the sports world. Beau, a star quarterback for the Bridgeport Bears, had just renewed a multi-million Simoleon contract with the team. Victoria, an ace correspondent for the Sim Sports Programming Network, had just landed an anchor position on the station’s flagship program, “The Nightly Huddle.”

Then disaster struck.

During the final play of the 1990 SimBowl, Beau sustained a hit from an opposing linebacker that not only cost him the game, but his career as well. Beau recalled the moment the doctors told him he would never play again. “It’s like my world ended, man. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Football was my identity. I slipped into a dark depression. I stopped taking care of myself. I wouldn’t work out. I wouldn’t eat right. I isolated myself from other Sims. I don’t know how Vicky stuck with me.”

Instead of leaving Beau, Victoria shocked the nation by resigning from the news desk. “A lot of Sims had criticized SSPN for giving me the job. They said the only reason I got the job was because of my connection to Beau.” Even worse, some called her a gold digger. “I loved working at SSPN, but I loved Beau more. I couldn’t let him go through the darkness alone.”

Victoria and Beau were humbled by the support they received in the beginning. “Sims called and came by all the time,” Beau said, “and they always brought food with them…lots of food. I don’t think Victoria had to cook at all in the first year after my injury.”

“Then the calls stopped coming,” Victoria said. “We were old news. Sims thought Beau should have been over it already.” Not only did Sims stop calling, they started avoiding. “We were outcasts. We would go to a restaurant or a club, and Sims that we used to socialize with regularly wouldn’t make eye contact with us. It was like we didn’t exist anymore.”

Victoria said the treatment she received opened her eyes to the daily plight of others. “There are Sims in our community who are ignored on a daily basis, mainly the elderly and the emotionally disturbed. Sims pretend they don’t exist. We’ve felt their pain. That’s why we’ve started our feast parties.” Beau and Victoria have a once-a-month feast party where they invite over the other “outcasts” of Sunset Valley.

“Someone has to look out for them so that no one can take advantage of them,” Victoria said.

“Other Sims tend to think they are dangerous, but there is nothing wrong with them.”

After the feast, Beau and Victoria engage their guests in a little dancing. Victoria said, “We’re teaching them ballroom dancing now. You should really see Buster Clavell. He’s got some smooth moves!”

Principal’s Office Gets Unexpected Makeover 2

August 2000-Leisure Days signals the beginning of a new school year, but one student wasn’t ready to return to Sunset Valley Community School. Someone broke into the school over the Leisure Day weekend to do some interior decorating.

When the principal’s staff returned to work this week, they found the office blanketed with toilet paper. “It was a mess,” said the principal’s secretary. “I’ve never seen so much toilet paper in my life! It took us the whole day to clean it up.”

When asked if there were any leads in discovering who the vandal was, the principal said, “Our security team examined the tapes from the weekend. We did detect a figure entering and leaving the school. Unfortunately with the rain and the darkness, we weren’t able to make out who it was. The best we can determine is that it appeared to be a teen-aged boy.”

The principal vowed that the toilet paper will not be going to waste. “The vandal actually did us a favor. There’s enough toilet paper here to cover a couple of weeks, so I’m going to reduce the school’s order with our supplier.”