Don Ditches Cass Reply

Summer 2000 — An eagle eye reported that the Uberhood’s leading therapist rushed over to the Goth mansion late one evening following the disaster that was the Goth-Lothario wedding party. The wedding started out as an ordinary backyard ceremony,  and it was thought that the biggest news would be about the guest list. We were pleased to see the Mother of the Bride, the enigmatic Bella Goth in attendance. How touching that Bella didn’t let the fact that she is still estranged from her husband (or the fact that the groom-t0-be was implicated in her disappearance) stop her from being there on her daughter’s big day. Mortimer’s current paramour, Dina Caliente, must have been tipped off that the Lady Goth was attending because Miss Caliente was notably absent. Unfortunately, Bella’s effort to put in an appearance was to no avail. Guests confirmed that the would-be groom, Dr. Don Lothario, was noticeably distressed. He interrupted Cassandra right in the middle of her vows, and said “I don’t” before she could say “I do.” Awww, poor Cass. We know you’re hurting now, but you dodged a bullet, girl. A big one. And speaking of bullets… Don must have some brass ones to jilt a woman with a cemetery in her backyard.

June 2000 Letters to Editor Reply

I was appalled at your article touting Cornelia Goth’s new-found love of alchemy. Don’t you people realize Cornelia and her sister are witches?

We all know that ghosts freely roam about their mansions.

I even hear the Goths have an enchanted skeleton maid.

Clearly, the Goths and Crumplebottoms are in cahoots with the Grim Reaper himself! I think this newspaper had better learn to present the full story to its readership.

Judy Bunch
Sunset Valley

* * *

Mrs. Bunch,

Our reporter found no evidence of paranormal activity while interviewing Mrs. Goth. The article stands as written.

The Editor-in-Chief,
Sunset Valley Press


* * *

Perhaps Mrs. Bunch feels threatened that more natural medicines will cost her her job at Landgraab Industries.

Hope Carpenter

Cornelia Goth Embraces Heritage Reply

June 2000Cornelia Goth has just returned from what she calls a “life-altering” trip. “I went to visit my cousins in Moonlight Falls this spring, and I learned so much about my heritage. I never realized how in tune my family is to nature.”

Her cousins, Beatrice, Belinda, and Bianca introduced her to a practice called “alchemy.” When people think of alchemy, they tend to think of someone in a pointy hat, crouched over a cauldron, plotting to turn people into toads.

Mrs. Goth says that couldn’t be further from the truth, “Alchemy is more science than hocus-pocus. By understanding how the elements that make up the many plants and minerals found in our area can benefit our body, we can develop chemical-free remedies for many of our illnesses and disorders. Cures found in nature are surely better for you than the toxins manufactured in labs.”

Alchemy is more than a hobby to Mrs. Goth. She has gone to City Hall and has registered as a licensed alchemist. “I am still learning my craft, but I hope to open up an all-natural clinic soon for those wanting an alternative to Sacred Spleen.”

Gunther Plays Hooky Reply

June 2000–CEO Gunther Goth seems more interested in lounging by the pool than holding meetings, and rumor has it the Board members at Goth Industries are losing their patience. Sources say Gunther’s work performance has plummeted because he is spending more time pursuing guitar lessons, fishing outings, and art supplies. Rumor has it the Board is looking to oust him, and Nancy Landgraab, Vice President of Marketing, is chomping at the bit to become the new CEO. Will the Board really fire their founder’s son? Even though internal struggles abound at Goth Industries, the company is prospering financially, posting record profits in Q2. Gunther must be doing something right!