Demi Gets Her Woman 4

Summer 2000. There is a new hero in Pleasantview this morning, and her name is Demi Love. Early this morning, Love, a Patrol Officer with the Pleasantview Police Department, apprehended Jessica Ebadi at the home of Dina and Nina Caliente. Ebadi was allegedly attempting to steal a fitness machine from the Calientes’ living room.

Both Caliente sisters were at home when the attempted robbery occurred. Ebadi was not armed and did not engage in contact with the residents. “I don’t know what she was thinking,” Nina Caliente says, “Why on Earth did she think she could lift the exercise machine? Doesn’t she know how heavy that thing is? We have a computer sitting less than a ten feet away.”

Ebadi will face a charge of third-degree robbery which carries a maximum sentence of seven years in prison. Ebadi’s sentence, if convicted, could be more severe if evidence is found that links her to other recent robberies in the Pleasantview area.

While everyone is cheering Love on for the arrest, she is careful not to toot her own horn. Love says, “I credit my success to the alarm system the Caliente sisters had installed. Ebadi barely had a foot in the door, and I was already on my way.”

Dina Caliente agrees, “That alarm system saved the day. It’s already paid for itself. It cost us $250, and the insurance company is giving us $1000 for property damages. That’s a 400% return on investment! Do you think they could let Jessica go so that she can try to steal something else? We could make a killing!”

Editor’s Note: The publisher of this newspaper does not condone insurance fraud in any form.


Don Ditches Cass Reply

Summer 2000 — An eagle eye reported that the Uberhood’s leading therapist rushed over to the Goth mansion late one evening following the disaster that was the Goth-Lothario wedding party. The wedding started out as an ordinary backyard ceremony,  and it was thought that the biggest news would be about the guest list. We were pleased to see the Mother of the Bride, the enigmatic Bella Goth in attendance. How touching that Bella didn’t let the fact that she is still estranged from her husband (or the fact that the groom-t0-be was implicated in her disappearance) stop her from being there on her daughter’s big day. Mortimer’s current paramour, Dina Caliente, must have been tipped off that the Lady Goth was attending because Miss Caliente was notably absent. Unfortunately, Bella’s effort to put in an appearance was to no avail. Guests confirmed that the would-be groom, Dr. Don Lothario, was noticeably distressed. He interrupted Cassandra right in the middle of her vows, and said “I don’t” before she could say “I do.” Awww, poor Cass. We know you’re hurting now, but you dodged a bullet, girl. A big one. And speaking of bullets… Don must have some brass ones to jilt a woman with a cemetery in her backyard.